To the girl who destroyed my life

I had a nightmare about you last night. I was at the grocery store with my family one second and then the next I was running with all my might from you. I didn't get away. I found myself trapped in your house, stuck with all the other people you have hurt. There was no way to get out. When I woke up the memories of everything you did to me wouldn't leave. I hope it can ease my mind to write down a few of your words.

'Go kill yourself'
'You are trash'
'We are the two fat girls'
'Sorry I couldn't talk to you for three months. I was busy watching youtube'

The last one broke me down in tears. I called you, texted you, did anything I could because I was contemplating ending my life and I always called you hoping you would convince me not too. Instead, I got voicemails, abruptly ended calls, I got ignored. Then out of nowhere after three months of torture and loneliness, you call. I pick up before the first ring. You told me your friend abandoned you and said you were an emotional bully. You were. That should have been the last straw, the big red flag telling me to get out of there. I stayed. I comforted you when you needed it most and after a few minutes of gathering my courage. I asked the big question. Why did you ignore me for three months?

'Oh yeah about that...Sorry I couldn't talk to you for three months. I was busy watching youtube"

I ended the call. I went down to dinner, quiet as a mouse. I couldn't eat. Your words running a mile a minute through my head. That was the day I gave up on hope. Yet after all of this, I knew you weren't ok. I wanted to help so I stayed in this toxic friendship for far too long. We kept talking for a couple more months and every time we hung out you would say

'Go kill yourself'
You are trash'
'We are the two fat girls'

I couldn't take it anymore. I had to go. I sent you a text and I'm sorry it broke your heart. You didn't respond for months. It was my birthday. I already had a rough history of birthdays gone wrong. But there was nothing in the world that could have prepared me for this. You responded. It was the first thing I saw when I woke up. I hope you know that before you sent that text I had plans to kill myself on my birthday. I wish I could say that was the last time I ever talked to you.

You ended up going to the same school as one of my friends and she texted me one night and asked if she could give you my new phone number. I asked why and she told me you wanted to apologize. It was my fault for saying yes. It was my fault for letting you back into my life. You never did apologize. You also waited for a month before texting me to "apologize". I poured my heart out. I cried. I didn't know what to do. You told me you were suicidal and I sent your mother the text. After I sent your mother your text I went to the woods behind my house with a noose in my backpack and hoped they would never find my body.

I'm still here but you ruined me. I don't remember what happiness feels like and it's your fault. I don't say this for revenge. I just need to know why you did it? I'm trying to understand.

I don't hate you. I hope you have a happy life. I hope you find success in all the places you used to find darkness. I hope you become comfortable with yourself. I hope one day you apologize and I will forgive you.