A New Year

I drowned myself in self-help tips try to silence the screaming in my head telling me to give up. Your birthday is in nine days. A new year. A new start. Why am I not excited? I dreamed about you. Maybe I'm not ready to move on. I can't stop replaying our memories. I broke my favorite new year's tradition. I usually see you but I canceled my subscription to our friendship. You were still in my dreams anyway. I keep having these nightmares but I can't tell anybody. They never listen. You were there in my dream. You wouldn't look at me. I'm worried about you. I don't want to be dangerous anymore. I want to be reborn. Different life. Different memories. I want this year to be a clean slate. I want to forget about you and how much I hurt you. I want to forget your name. I will baptize myself in the fountain of forgetfulness. I will tell you that you have the wrong number if you try to call me. I will stop sleeping on scales until they get stuck on the same number. I will let myself sleep. I will distance myself from you harmful people. I will not distance myself from anyone but you people I care about. I will be strong. I will not call you crying, apologizing for your mistakes. 

You will not kill me. I will not die.