An Open Letter to my Best Friend (Part Two)
You asked why I push you away? Why I'm trying to sabotage this friendship?
I saw you smile. A real happy smile. I never saw that when we were talking. I saw tears and pain. I'm so sorry you had to see my scars. I'm so sorry I didn't eat lunch when you begged me too. I'm so sorry you had to see me destroy myself. You were there for me more than my family ever was.
I don't know what to say. Do you want an apology? I really am sorry. I'm sorry for everything.
Why do I push you away?
I'm afraid if I tell you anything I'll end up telling you everything. I can't do that to you. You are already carrying too much of my pain.
I'm afraid I'll tell you that I still self-harm on the bad days.
I'm afraid I'll tell you that I check my weight on a scale every day and can't eat anything after.
I'm afraid I'll tell you that I still skip meals.
I'm afraid I'll tell you about all the sleepless nights I spend crying.
I'm afraid I'll tell you that I still tear myself apart.
I'm afraid I'll tell you that I still associate ESA with depression.
I'm afraid I'll tell you that I try to block 2015-2016 out of my memory.
I'm afraid I'll tell you that I am scared.
I'm afraid I'll tell you that I don't know you.
I don't know your favorite color. Your middle name. Your favorite book. Your favorite food. I don't know the small details that make you, you.
I saw how you looked at me the day you found out about my depression. You were the first person to know about it. I'm glad I confided in you but it was hard to look you in the eyes after I did. The poem you read is still up. It's on a different account. There are over a hundred poems. They got worse than the one you read. I didn't know how to tell you any of this. I just couldn't do it.
It's taking everything I have to write this to you. I want to run so badly right now but I'm not. I'm a bad person. I know I am. I can try to get better for the rest of my life and I will still be a bad person. I'm in the wrong. I said things I shouldn't have. I'm sorry.
Sincerely,
A bad person
I saw you smile. A real happy smile. I never saw that when we were talking. I saw tears and pain. I'm so sorry you had to see my scars. I'm so sorry I didn't eat lunch when you begged me too. I'm so sorry you had to see me destroy myself. You were there for me more than my family ever was.
I don't know what to say. Do you want an apology? I really am sorry. I'm sorry for everything.
Why do I push you away?
I'm afraid if I tell you anything I'll end up telling you everything. I can't do that to you. You are already carrying too much of my pain.
I'm afraid I'll tell you that I still self-harm on the bad days.
I'm afraid I'll tell you that I check my weight on a scale every day and can't eat anything after.
I'm afraid I'll tell you that I still skip meals.
I'm afraid I'll tell you about all the sleepless nights I spend crying.
I'm afraid I'll tell you that I still tear myself apart.
I'm afraid I'll tell you that I still associate ESA with depression.
I'm afraid I'll tell you that I try to block 2015-2016 out of my memory.
I'm afraid I'll tell you that I am scared.
I'm afraid I'll tell you that I don't know you.
I don't know your favorite color. Your middle name. Your favorite book. Your favorite food. I don't know the small details that make you, you.
I saw how you looked at me the day you found out about my depression. You were the first person to know about it. I'm glad I confided in you but it was hard to look you in the eyes after I did. The poem you read is still up. It's on a different account. There are over a hundred poems. They got worse than the one you read. I didn't know how to tell you any of this. I just couldn't do it.
It's taking everything I have to write this to you. I want to run so badly right now but I'm not. I'm a bad person. I know I am. I can try to get better for the rest of my life and I will still be a bad person. I'm in the wrong. I said things I shouldn't have. I'm sorry.
Sincerely,
A bad person
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