Nightmares

I had another nightmare last night. I was there again. My old school. I was just visiting. It was no longer than ten minutes but it left me hurt for the whole night. I said hello to everyone I left behind. Everyone I hurt. They saw me. I was crying. I was sobbing the whole dream. Some of the others had tears in their eyes too. I didn't know what to do. More people kept coming. I wanted to wake up. I knew it was a dream. It just couldn't have been real. They were forgiving. They would never forgive me in reality. Never. I didn't want their apologies. I didn't deserve them and yet they just kept coming. They treated me like a friend when I was anything but. I had been trying to dissociate myself from them for so long and here they were forgiving me for everything. It was nothing more than a dream, a wish.

I often confuse remembering with reliving and that is a dangerous mistake to be making so carelessly. Flashbacks are no longer a rare occurrence. They came with the nightmares and it feels like an endless black hole that I'm trying to dig myself out of while still falling deeper. The memories are as bleak and dull that I sit in the middle of English class with a strange dull pain running through my whole body and everything feels numb. These flashbacks are as useless and stupid as trying to fix a broken arm with a band-aid.

I'll never understand what it is that causes these painful flashbacks. I just hope that one day I can come to peace with remembering all these unfortunate events from my past.