Blame

How do you tell someone you love that you are dying? Breaking? Tearing yourself apart? How do you tell someone you are supposed to love that you hate them? Despise everything they do? Want nothing to do with them? How do you tell them that it's their fault you are dying? It's like they gave you the gun, taught you how to use it, and told you to point and shoot but never taught you how to aim yet everyone blames you for pulling the trigger at your own head. They didn't try and save you. They watched you fall to the ground begging for help and left you for dead. I hope they at least tried to unravel my life story to explain what led me here.

Is it wrong to feel like a different person each week? I do not know and I doubt I will ever know the complete answer. I feel like I am being ripped into tiny little versions of myself and each one of them carries a characteristic that makes up my personality. I'm just trying to figure out why they refuse to come together.

I try to blame myself for everything I've done but all their words and actions come back to my head and again I am stuck with the memories of everything they've done to me. I am still trying not to blame them for stupid reasons like I'm the one who listened, I'm the follower here, I put their words into actions, I'm the one who drank the lies of hatred they gave me doses of like poison. When I do this I start to remember what makes me think deep inside my heart that it is their fault, not mine. I'm the one suffering because of what they said. They showed me no mercy yet I can't bring to show them the same cruelty they showed me.

I'm the only one dying because of the scars they left.