Christmas

I used to love Christmas. It was my favorite holiday. I used to wrap myself in holiday cheer but this year the mask I placed so carefully to cover the pain has fallen. I didn't put any ornaments on the tree this year, didn't run around dancing to Christmas carols until my lungs burst. I stood there staring at the tree and tried to push the little girl in me down to the bottom of my stomach to hide her from the disappointment she will come face to face with if she dares to have hope. I will not ask to read our Christmas stories this year. I will not wake up first this year. I just stopped seeing the appeal of lying to myself everytime I convinced myself this is fun. I will half smile lazily pretending the pain behind it is just my imagination.

Christmas has never looked so dull.