An open letter to my mother
Dear Mother,
I am not you. Please stop trying to make me somebody that I'm not. I know you just don't want to watch me fall and I don't want to either. If you are afraid of seeing me lose everything I have built up in the last year and a half please realize that I am even more terrified than you could ever be. So I second guess my every move, set higher goals for myself. I know you don't want me to be disappointed so you tell me to be realistic but the way you put me down about my dreams always hurts more than any disappointment from a failure ever could.
I saw your pictures you took of my wall. I know they concern you but they are there to remind me what the bad days bring and that no matter what I can get better as long as I am willing to but every time you discourage me it feels like I'm taking a step back into the bad days. I become less willing to get better. I'm not beating myself because I'm not happy with who I am anymore. It may look like I still do but what is really happening is me telling my self you got this girl, Maybe none of them believe in you but I do. I tell this to myself because my mother never did and even when she tried it was too late. I know you didn't mean to hurt me but you did.
I spent so much time alone that when you or my siblings tried to give me the support I had always wanted I had already locked myself away. I denied any help you wanted to give. I had become too afraid of getting hurt to ever start a conversation with you. There was a hidden pain in every sentence you heard come from my mouth. I tried to tell you and I was convinced you heard me then you did it again. Hurt me in your overprotectiveness. I know you're trying you're just doing it wrong.
Sincerely,
A healing daughter
I am not you. Please stop trying to make me somebody that I'm not. I know you just don't want to watch me fall and I don't want to either. If you are afraid of seeing me lose everything I have built up in the last year and a half please realize that I am even more terrified than you could ever be. So I second guess my every move, set higher goals for myself. I know you don't want me to be disappointed so you tell me to be realistic but the way you put me down about my dreams always hurts more than any disappointment from a failure ever could.
I saw your pictures you took of my wall. I know they concern you but they are there to remind me what the bad days bring and that no matter what I can get better as long as I am willing to but every time you discourage me it feels like I'm taking a step back into the bad days. I become less willing to get better. I'm not beating myself because I'm not happy with who I am anymore. It may look like I still do but what is really happening is me telling my self you got this girl, Maybe none of them believe in you but I do. I tell this to myself because my mother never did and even when she tried it was too late. I know you didn't mean to hurt me but you did.
I spent so much time alone that when you or my siblings tried to give me the support I had always wanted I had already locked myself away. I denied any help you wanted to give. I had become too afraid of getting hurt to ever start a conversation with you. There was a hidden pain in every sentence you heard come from my mouth. I tried to tell you and I was convinced you heard me then you did it again. Hurt me in your overprotectiveness. I know you're trying you're just doing it wrong.
Sincerely,
A healing daughter
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