Depriving happiness

Depriving yourself of happiness is like laying next to a stream but hoping you die of dehydration. It is an isolating thing that to many people are guilty of. Myself included. It is the tiny thought running through your head the entire time at your favorite restaurant that you shouldn't be eating any of that. It is being so nervous about a party that you just don't go. I know you must have done it at least once but do you know what it is like to do it every day? Completely cut yourself off in the middle of a sentence whether anyone is listening or not because you don't deserve to be a part of their conversation. Do you know what it is like to sit all alone on your first day in a new school just because you deprived yourself of friendships afraid that they would become as toxic as all the ones before? I do. It feels like I'm still sitting all alone in my mind. No one is here to listen to the dark thoughts in my head. No one is here to coax them out of my memories and banish them from my future. No one is here to make the bad thoughts go away.