Harm

Close your eyes. What do you see? You might see your favorite memory or a book you really liked but not everyone is this lucky. I see scars, pain, suffering, self-hatred. I see everything wrong with myself. Look around. What do you see? Maybe you see people or just plain walls. I see darkness twisting around every edge in my universe trying to guide me to the end of it all. What do you do in an empty room? You might play games or read. I doubt you stand in front of a mirror tearing yourself apart. Or sobbing into empty bowls because you ate something. What is something you have never told anyone? Why don't you tell anybody? It is probably embarrassing or humiliating. It probably won't get you suicide watched or sent away. Is your big secret about physically harming yourself and the last time you did it. The people closest to me still think it was a very long time ago. They don't know what happened last month or a couple weeks ago. They don't know because it is a secret.

Do you see the stars? Do they glow bright enough to light up even your darkest nights? I stopped looking at the sky. Why? It was far too disappointing to see a world of possibilities that I would never take. It isn't that I didn't want to. I couldn't. I am nothing more than a corner scribble in the world's masterpiece. My scars were my personal touch in an attempt to look creative but ended up just looking weak. I let them fade. I wished they would automatically just go away. I wanted the bad thoughts to leave me alone. I'm just not in the mood to let the darkness swallow me whole today so I won't let it. I will take my anger out on paper instead of my skin. I will show mercy to this empty shell of a body. I will try to be myself. I don't know who that is. I just hope one day I can find her without a blade.

I'm healing but please don't assume that I'm fine just because you don't see a reason for me to be sad.