Guilt

Humans are the strangest creatures I have ever seen. Nobody ever really knows if they are fine or not. They could reassure you a thousand times and it doesn't change a thing. Another thing about humans, most of them are assholes, myself included. Especially myself. I do stupid things I don't mean because I'm hurt and I hurt other people and then I beat myself up.

Guilt is the worst thing I have ever felt. With pain or loneliness, you can blame others but guilt is all your fault.

I spent the entirety of today thinking of a hundred ways to apologize and a hundred ways for the person I hurt to say they hate me. They forgave me and I didn't deserve it and I have no clue if they are actually ok, if they actually forgive me, or if they will ever be able to trust me again.

Without this friend, I would be in a terrible place.

I'm no better than the people who hurt me. I possibly just ruined one of my most treasured friendships where I felt safe and wanted. And I ruined all of it by making the other person feel the opposite. I am an asshole. And I'm sorry.

I am so sorry.