Space

Alone. Today I remembered what being alone felt like and then I couldn't stop remembering. A flashback here, flashback there. I needed to get out of there. This all started when I had to sit alone at lunch because the table with my friends ran out of seats. It wasn't their fault. They tried to get me a seat. I'm not mad at them. But sitting alone made me remember all the days, weeks, in second or first grade where I sat alone and no one ever bothered to save me a seat. Instead, they would kick me out of my seat so their favorite friend could sit there. Remembering caused anxiety and even sitting here now writing about it, I'm starting to feel small and invisible.

It felt like trying to cave in on myself to give others more space. It felt like years later I'm still giving up my seat to this invisible demon that follows me everywhere just to tell me to give up. It felt like all my past bullies screaming in unison for me to just go away. It felt like I took up to much space, the same way I always felt in second grade. I couldn't look my friends in the face for the rest of the day.

The chatter turned to silence as it reached my ears. My eyes glazed over the second I looked up from my book. Somewhere, very far away, I could almost hear my friends calling my name and apologizing but I was too far gone to process a single word they said.

All I could think about was how much space I was taking up. I was suddenly very aware of how my thighs jiggled when I walked or how my stomach forms fat rolls when I sit down. I was conscious of my double chin when I looked down. I was aware of me and every too big limb in my body that ached too much to move.

Then all I could see was my shrinking figure and who I wished to be, the girl who didn't take up any space.