Dear Old "Friend"

Dear Old Friend,

It has been years since we last spoke. I still don’t understand why I never tried to write to you sooner. I also have no clue why I’m writing this at all. We never knew each other all that well but how close can two children really be. Saying this I still don’t understand why I was so heartbroken to hear you moved on. Everyone tells me that we never appreciate what we have until moments turn to memories and you left the second I looked away. I’m always haunted by the thought that you could have forgotten my name, and me. My own memories of us are fleeting and inconsistent but it beats nonexistent.

I wonder why I’m so heartbroken that you seem so far away. You still live within walking distance but that is a stroll I will never walk. Heartbreak seems like the wrong word for when we parted. We never had a healthy relationship. You wanted power while I just wanted someone to confide in. You never were that person. I was just someone to control. Someone to mess with. Someone to laugh at. I was your punching bag and yet I still miss you.

It seems improbable that you miss me considering I never meant much to you. How could someone so set on hurting me still have so much impact on how I view the world? In some ways I still blame myself. That was the only reason I stuck around. I told myself I deserved your bullying. All because I became your friend out of spite. Your old friend had hurt me so I tried to take away her friends and even though I abandoned the idea as soon as I started with you, I felt so terrible that I stuck around.

You were always laughing, so I laughed along and eventually I just stopped listening to the actual joke because they were just insults. I laughed away my pride, my confidence, my sense of self worth. You are the worst comedian I’ve ever met. I’m also sorry. Sorry I never helped with your parents. They were the only influence you knew. You were just like your father, he would often laugh at me too.

I know I shouldn’t call this a letter to my old friend but I still try to think highly of you despite everything. I find myself doing that a lot recently. I don’t ever plan on seeing you again but it is starting to become apparent that I might have to fight a lot of my past demons soon. I might see you in highschool. I won’t always be hidden by the comfort of separate schools. I’ll see you soon. Until then, good luck.

Sincerely,

The girl you didn’t break