A ramble of despair

Why do I feel so damn alone? I'm a nobody. Nobody likes me. Nobody gives me a second thought. Nobody puts in an effort to include me. 

So what if you called? You know I wasn't able to pick up. Don't act like it's my fault that I don't know what the hell you are talking about. You don't want to hear me but you expect me to listen.

I hate this. I hate knowing that I'm your backup plan, your last resort, and I'm always your second choice.

I never thought I'd feel this lost again. So helpless, hopeless. Everybody is going to spend break laughing and making memories and I'll be here stuck in this lonely house with no friends. Because right now, I have no one.

Every time, I get left out. Every damn time. I just tell myself that I'm doing it to myself. I'm distancing myself. It's all my fault. But I can't just be imaging this anymore.

If you wanna be popular, then do it. Go ahead. Leave me in the dust. It would hurt less than this. If you just tell me to my face that I'm never gonna be your priority, that would be ok. I would fine. Then I could just stop making you my priority.

Do you remember in sixth grade? The first major time I ever let you in. I do. You told me your favorite song, your favorite quote, and I remembered it.

Do you remember earlier this year? The letter I sent. I meant every word. Or the one secret I couldn't spill. I want too. I want you to know. But I can never tell you. I just want to protect you.

Everyone keeps bringing out the worst of me and I hate myself for it. That I'm letting them affect me. I'm not proud of who I am.

I feel like I cry too much. Care too much. Feel too much. Bother too much. I'm so sorry that I'm nothing but a crybaby. I don't understand how I was almost proud of who I am last year. But mostly, I don't understand why that almost pride stopped.

I'll try not to bother you anymore.
I'll try not to cry.
I'll try not to feel.
I'll try to stop letting you in.
Especially when I know that you just want out.

I'm so sorry that I accidentally spilled about your crush in sixth grade, I just wish you'd stop holding it over my head and making me feel more ashamed of myself. I'd do anything to go back and undo it.
At the end of the year, I'll stop bothering you. I'll stay out of your way. You'll never have to hear from me again.

I can't even imagine what people whisper behind my back if they are willing to be so rude to my face. Everyone seems to hate me.

I don't get it. What do you people want from me? I got bullied for being dumb, and now I'm hated for trying to be smart. And now I just feel stupid and hated.


But the worst part is that I feel so damn alone.